Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Will Never Host the Oscars Together

To the dismay of William Shatner and fans around the world, Tina Fey recently revealed that she has no intention of ever emceeing the Academy Awards ceremony with or without her BFF, and Golden Globes co-host, Amy Poehler.

Pics: The 2013 Oscars!

When asked if she'd ever consider the gig, Fey told The Huffington Post that she wouldn't dare sign up for the task because the Oscars are far too much work.

"I just feel like that gig is so hard," she said, adding that her gender would make hosting duties extremely taxing.

Related: Stars React to Tina & Amy's Golden Globes Hosting Gig

Mused Fey, "The amount of months that would be spent trying on dresses alone ... no way."

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Times ‘dead’ line

An Israeli-born Upper West Sider revealed his lifelong hatred for The New York Times — in a paid death notice that ran in The New York Times.

Retired stockbroker Amos Shuchman, 84, “loved his family, his birth and adopted countries, finance, skiing, opera, ballet and biking in Central Park,” read his Feb. 2 death notice in the Times.

But there was just one thing didn’t like.

“Loved everything about NYC, except The New York Times,” his obit read.

The dead man’s son, Daniel Shuchman, yesterday told The Post that Amos was “deeply committed to principles of individual freedom and to the security of the United States and Israel.”

PARTING SHOT: Amos Shuchman’s dislike for the Times was shown in his Feb. 2 death notice.

Amos Shuchman, who was born in Tel Aviv, “fought bravely” in the Haganah, a Jewish paramilitary organization. He didn’t like the Times’ coverage of Israel.

“To put it diplomatically, he did not believe that the Times provided honest and objective reporting on these and other important matters,” the son said.

The Times has been criticized by both sides for its coverage of the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Still, there was a classic New York paper that Amos Shuchman did love — The Post.

“We think he is in heaven now with a New York Post and a falafel sandwich, having a good chuckle over this notoriety,” his son said.

Daniel Shuchman acknowledged that his father might not have liked his obit because he would “not have wanted to generate revenue for the Times.”

But “he would have laughed heartily at the irony and the posthumous attention the obituary is getting,’’ the son said.

Daniel Shuchman said his father had canceled his subscription to the Times years ago.

Times spokeswoman Eileen Murphy said the obit was paid content and is not subject to editorial oversight.

“I thought it was sort of amusing,” she added.

poliveira@nypost.com

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Coral Gables native Martin Zweig, Wall Street wiz, dies in Florida

A decade before he foresaw the 1987 stock market crash, Coral Gables native Marty Zweig was already considered a Wall Street wizard.

Renown business journalist Dan Dorfman called him “the country’s hottest investment adviser” in 1981, his picture appeared on the cover of Money Magazine in 1982, and he was frequent guest on the PBS financial show Wall Street Week.

He wrote two best-selling books: Winning on Wall Street, in 1986, and Winning with New IRAs, in 1987.

On Oct. 19 that year, just as Zweig had predicted three days earlier on Wall Street Week, the market plummeted 23 percent.

Zweig, whose three-story Pierre Hotel penthouse is one of New York City’s most lavish residences, died Feb. 18 at another of his homes, on South Florida’s Fisher Island. He was 70. Zweig had been treated for cancer, and underwent a liver transplant in 2010 with tissue from his younger son.

Born Martin Edward Zweig on July 2, 1942, in Cleveland, he spent his formative years growing up in Coral Gables where he was known as Marty Gateman after his widowed mother remarried.

He attended Coral Gables Elementary and Ponce de Leon Junior High schools, was a Coral Gables High School varsity basketball player and track star — class of 1960 — and 2001 Cavalier’s school Hall of Famer.

Childhood friend Richard B. Bermont, a Miami financial adviser, remembered Zweig as a great poker player even in high school, “pretty much a jokester, and the ladies loved him.’’

He legally changed his last name back to Zweig when he was 21, after his mother and Dr. Gateman divorced, said former wife Mollie Friedman.

Zweig wrote that his interest in financial began when the 1948 Cleveland Indians were playing in the World Series.

“I was the kid who knew the most about the team and had a vague idea about what batting averages mean. I had begun to love numbers. Perhaps this was a tip-off that I’d later graduate to the market.’’

He earned a bachelor’s in economics from The Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania in 1964, later an M.B.A. from the University of Miami and a doctorate in finance from Michigan State University.

In 1984, Zweig joined with stock picker Joe DiMenna, with whom he co-founded Zweig-DiMenna Partners, their first long/short hedge fund.

Zweig also created two closed-end funds traded on the New York Stock Exchange, according to his corporate biography: The Zweig Fund in 1986 and The Zweig Total Return Fund in 1988.

In his first book, he wrote: “When playing the market, remember you must deal with probabilities, employ sensible strategies to limit risk, and get aggressive only when conditions warrant.’’

He was as quirky in his private life as he was serious about investing. Stan Smith, a Fisher Island friend, said that last year, Zweig installed a “banana yellow’’ 1934 Packard convertible in his living room.

Zweig’s memorabilia collection includes the dress Marilyn Monroe wore to sing “Happy Birthday” to President John F. Kennedy in 1962, a pair of JFK’s silk pajamas, the suits The Beatles wore on the Ed Sullivan Show in 1964, Super Bowl rings, Heisman Trophies, Oscar statuettes and Gold Records; one of the Harley-Davidson Hydra-Glide motorcycles that actor Peter Fonda rode in the film “Easy Rider;” an outfit that Jimi Hendrix wore in concert; and the booking sheet from one of Al Capone’s arrests, and a letter written by baseball legend Mickey Mantle describing a sexual encounter at Yankee Stadium.

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Is this really the end of Cuba’s Castro brothers? Exiles say not so fast

On the streets of Miami, the announcement of a possible end to the Castro brothers’ rule was met with uncharacteristic silence Monday — no clanging of pots and pans in Little Havana and Hialeah.

No loud pronouncements on Spanish-language radio, either, about the news that President Raúl Castro planned to retire in 2018 and had named an heir apparent.

“There’s like, a little burnout about this subject with us,” said Alex Fumero, 30, a co-creator, editor and contributor of the poetry group Hialeah Haikus.

But the emotions were as strong as ever for Cuban-born U.S. Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, who believes this is just another sinister ploy by the Castro brothers.

“The fact that this possible retirement won’t take effect for years is just another in a long line of false propaganda tactics used by the regime to trick the masses and international community,” said Ros-Lehtinen, whose political career has been dedicated to opposing Castro.

“U.S. law states that no Castro may be in power, so this may be a ploy by the Cuban regime to attempt to normalize relations prematurely with the U.S.,’’ she said.

Miami radio commentator Ninoska Perez Castellon said five more years of any Castro is a long time. "This is just more of the same, and a cruel joke on a people enduring a 54-year-old dictatorship," she said.

Many like the idea of an end to the Castros, but they say it should have happened years ago.

“They’re giving up power too late and five years is too long to wait for them to actually do it,” said Francisco “Pepe” Hernandez, president of the Cuban-American National Foundation, a group that has long lobbied in Washington against the Castros.

“‘They’ve already done so much harm to the Cuban people. And the nerve to think they can name a successor, as if Cuba was their personal farm. The successor they named better be careful; those guys sometimes just disappear,” he said.

Cuban-born Marta Olchyk, a Surfside commissioner, said she was “glad that Raúl Castro said he is leaving in five years” although it would have happened anyway because of his age, she said.

“Cuba is slowly but surely moving away from communism,” said Olchyk, who left the island in 1960. “So, this is not earth-shattering news.”

Battle-weary Jose Basulto met the news with a cynical laugh.

“I have to laugh because this is so disrespectful, such an insult,” said Basulto, who took part in the 1961 Bay of Pigs invasion and founded the Brothers to the Rescue, a group that helped rafters fleeing Cuba find their way to U.S. shores.

Juan Clark, a professor emeritus at Miami Dade College and Bay of Pigs veteran, does not believe Raúl Castro actually will leave on his own in five years.

“I think many people were eager to see the end of the system and unfortunately that hasn’t happened,’’ said Clark, who has studied the exile community for many years.

Some “historic exiles” who came to the United States in the early days of the revolution have sworn they will never return as long as a Castro is in power.

Others, mainly those who have arrived after the Mariel boatlift in 1980, still have family on the island and travel there to help fledgling family businesses and might not even consider themselves exiles, Clark said.

Cuban-Americans offered a variety of opinions through The Miami Herald’s Public Insight Network.

It was ho-hum news for some younger Cuban-Americans, known as the ABCs — American-born Cubans who learned to hate the Castros from older family members.

Lazaro Castillo of Orlando, who was born the year of the revolution, gave little credence to the announcement.

“Any change in the island has a meaning, and this particular change is another manipulation, and in order to maintain the dynasty,’’ he said.

Miramar resident Olga Perez-Cormier, an American-born Cuban, also felt it was no more than a ploy.

“I listen to this with my usual skepticism,’’ she said. “I wish both Castro brothers would hurry up and die, but apparently, it will never be that easy.”

Miami Herald staff writer Mimi Whitefield contributed to this report. It also includes comments from the Public Insight Network, an online community of people who have agreed to share their opinions with The Miami Herald. Sign up by going to MiamiHerald.com

/Insight.

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Exclusive Pic: Seth Rogen on 'The Mindy Project'

Comedic actor Seth Rogen is set to guest star on Tuesday's episode of Mindy Kaling's The Mindy Project, in which he plays her long-lost lover. ETonline has your exclusive first look.

In his cameo on the comedy series, which premiered its first season last fall, Rogen reunites with Kaling's self-named character, "Mindy," after being her first kiss years ago. According to the episode's synopsis, the reunited pair recall their time at summer camp together and later rekindle their teenage flame.

PICS: Stars Without Makeup!

As we see in the photo, Rogen sports a U.S. Army T-shirt in the episode, which is part of the Hollywood-backed veteran campaign "Got Your 6" that is aimed to "bridge the civilian-military divide."

Watch Rogen's full cameo on The Mindy Project Tuesday at 9:30 p.m. on FOX.

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Dismal show a gaffe-fest

Hey, Oscar: We saw your boob last night. His name is Seth MacFarlane.

MacFarlane’s tone-deaf, unfunny, sexist, puerile, straight-from-the-ninth-grade-locker-room “We Saw Your Boobs” routine about nekkid actresses was lower than a cockroach’s pedicure. Charlize Theron’s pained reaction shot (which was part of the act, but fitting anyway) spoke for the world: Several of the actresses MacFarlane mocked were shown in rape scenes.

Jennifer Lawrence, you weren’t the first to fall on your face last night. And the burst bathroom pipe backstage wasn’t the only thing stinking up the place.

WireImage

SOUR NOTE:
Oscar host Seth MacFarlane is joined by Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe for a musical number.

MacFarlane, who was hired by first-time Oscar producers Neil Meron and Craig Zadon to bring back some life to the wax museum, instead led a night of gaffes, awkwardness and slights that concluded just as inappropriately as it began, with a surprise appearance by Michelle Obama as the Best Picture presenter.

Michelle Obama is not a neutral ceremonial personage, like the queen of England. She is a partisan political figure. Hollywood liberals, this isn’t hard: Picture how you’d have felt if the climactic moment in 1985 were handed over for the purpose of glamorizing Nancy Reagan, with a phalanx of uniformed troops grinning nervously behind her. “Creepy South American totalitarian lite vibe,” tweeted Walter Kirn, and he writes for the liberal journal The New Republic. Even President Ronald Reagan never busted in live on the Oscars, and Reagan was an actual movie star, academy member and former president of the Screen Actors Guild. (He taped a non-self-aggrandizing “enjoy the show” welcome for the March 30, 1981, Oscars — which had to be delayed because he was shot that very day.)

Off-putting moments were scattered throughout. Instead of doing a good-natured Billy Crystal-style musical salute to the nominees, MacFarlane seemed determined to show off his pipes. (Impressive, but so what? The Oscars aren’t a Seth MacFarlane concert.) It was his jokes that were off-key.

MacFarlane made a funny about Chris Brown beating Rihanna, another about Latinos with accents, and another about orgies at Jack Nicholson’s house, the place where Roman Polanski gave a little girl drugs for the purpose of raping and sodomizing her.

“Too soon?” he said, after joking that no actor ever got into Lincoln’s head like John Wilkes Booth. MacFarlane once made a joke on “Family Guy” about JFK and RFK Pez dispensers getting their heads blown off, but, no, it’s not too soon for Lincoln jokes. They just have to be funny. You know what shouldn’t be funny? The theme music the orchestra plays to nudge aside the winners. Playing “Jaws” humiliated the poor relations from the tech side.

Take away MacFarlane’s pointless, look-at-me-I-can-dance routine (again: We didn’t tune in to see Family Guy cut a rug with Harry Potter and Robin) and you’ve got a few extra seconds for each acceptance speech.

MacFarlane is a voiceover actor and writer, not a comic, and the Oscars are not the place to launch a career in live performing. Cutaways are fine on “Family Guy,” but at the Oscars, you have to build energy in the room (as he did in his best moment, the “Sound of Music” gag), not rely on taped bits.

Perhaps to cover up the sound of crickets, MacFarlane kept laughing at his own gags. This was in keeping with the self-loving motif of the evening: Producers Meron and Zadan turned the evening into an infomercial for “Chicago,” as if no one would remember they were executive producers on that film, while Best Original Screenplay winner Quentin Tarantino thanked not his handlers but himself for his own brilliance.

And those bits had arthritis. William Shatner as Capt. Kirk? Really? Sally Field probably thought she’d heard the last “Flying Nun” joke 20 years ago, and viewers under 35 must have been baffled.

Even the evening’s best moments were partially bungled. How did the memorial reel manage to leave out Andy Griffith, Richard Dawson and Larry Hagman? The Denzel Washington Best Actor clip gave away the climactic twist of “Flight.” The James Bond segment was supposed to be introduced not by Halle Berry but by all the 007 stars together — but Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan hate Bond producers and refused. Still, if you have both Shirley Bassey and Adele in the house, how can you not have them do a duet?

“Couldn’t they just have hired Tina Fey and Amy Poehler to host the show?” asked William Shatner in a segment in which MacFarlane tried to head off bad reviews by predicting them. Seth, what Booth did to Lincoln you did to yourself.

Kyle.Smith@nypost.com

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David Samson: Miami Marlins saw trouble with ticket sales before Day One

The Miami Marlins’ new ballpark was slow to draw fan interest even before a disastrous season led to a collapse in attendance so steep that the front office never contemplated it, team president David Samson said Monday.

“It didn’t occur to us... that the off-field results of last year could be what they were,’’ Samson said during a press conference at Marlins Park. “We didn’t even contemplate in a worst-case scenario that our revenues would be what they were.”

And while Samson said the biggest miscalculation was in just how poorly the Marlins would play, he said lukewarm support was noticeable well before the Marlins’ infamous mid-season dive.

Season-ticket buyers did not respond to the late 2011 signing of Jose Reyes and other star players, months before the ballpark’s debut. His marketing team had hoped to announce a string of sell-outs before the April 4 Opening Day, but even the Boston Red Sox didn’t bring enough demand to sell all 37,500 seats.

“We misread last year on and off the field,’’ Samson said. “We did not have the bump we expected after the winter meetings [when the Marlins signed Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Heath Bell]. That got us worried. Not panicked, but worried.”

His comments danced around a central question looming over the opening of Marlins Park at the site of the old Orange Bowl football stadium in Little Havana.

Can Miami sustain a Major League Baseball team? Samson said he wasn’t trying to suggest the city couldn’t, noting “fans are always right.”

“I’m not going to say Miami is not a sports town,’’ he said. “Or that there is something wrong with the fans. I would never say that.”

Samson’s comments to reporters was the sideshow to owner Jeffrey Loria defending the Marlins’ stripping the team’s payroll of Reyes and other expensive players — a move he said was needed after the players failed to deliver in 2012.

Loria’s press conference came a day after he published a full-page letter to fans in local newspapers defending the move and the controversial deal that had Miami-Dade borrow nearly $400 million for the stadium’s construction.

Facing heavy fan backlash and the prospect of a season even worse than the one that brought “tens of millions of dollars” in losses last year, Loria hopes Miami will see his new young team as one worthy of support.

“We needed to fix the chemistry, we needed to fix the core of the team,’’ Loria said. “We didn’t draw more people [to the stadium] because the team was losing.”

So far, season-ticket sales are about half what they were a year ago, and the team isn’t sure it can sell out Opening Day on April 8. And the Marlins are facing revived ire over the 2009 stadium deal as the Miami Dolphins pursue their own tax-funded renovation for Sun Life.

Dolphins executives have promised a funding arrangement far more palatable than what the Marlins offered, and Loria on Monday called the Dolphins’ effort a “smear campaign’’ for its implicit slam against his arrangement with Miami-Dade.

A referendum on the Dolphins’ proposal probably will come in May, meaning the debate over tax-funded stadium projects will heat up just as the Marlins try to recover from the worst debut season among all ballparks built since 2001.

In his comments, Samson offered new details on the weak ticket sales, and said the collapse in revenue left the team no choice but to cut payroll.

The season’s announced attendance of 2.1 million was still far better than what the team drew when playing in Sun Life, and put the team at No. 18 in the 30-team league in terms of attendance. But Samson said the internal numbers of actual paid attendance were much worse. He put the so-called “turnstile” attendance for the season at 1.4 million. That’s roughly 17,000 people per game — or not even half of the stadium.

In its worst-case scenarios for the 2012 season, Samson said the team’s forecasts only contemplated for a turnstile attendance of 2 million.

Samson said an early sign of trouble was when June match-ups with the Red Sox didn’t deliver at the box office.

“We were very, very worried when the Red Sox games didn’t sell out,’’ he said. As the team turned in a strong performance in May — only the second month in the ballpark -- ticket sales weren’t delivering.

“Our fans I thought would see win after win. Our advanced sales didn’t move,’’ Samson said. “I don’t know the reason. I really don’t.”

He also declined to predict a sell-out for Opening Day – a lack of confidence for only the second year of the stadium’s existence.

“Fans are reticent and upset,’’ Samson said of the fury over dumping the star players. “I am so sorry about that.”

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Archbishop Wenski leads 90-mile motorcycle run

After a blessing, motorcycles roared their engines and drove out of St. Richard Catholic Church in Palmetto Bay to participate in the first Motorcycle Poker Run organized by the Archdiocese of Miami.

Heading the bikers: Archbishop Thomas Wenski wearing a biker’s leather jacket and riding his black Harley-Davidson Street Glide motorcycle.

“Bikers are people that are accustomed to praying because if you’re going to ride a motorcycle, you should know how to pray,” said Wenski, who has been riding his motorcycle for about 10 years. “This is a way to bring some good attention, find financial support for St. Luke’s Center [Catholic Charity] and have a good time.”

Behind him, more than 60 other riders followed for about 90 miles through South Florida roads.

“Today he is not just my spiritual leader,” said Natacha Quiroz, the only woman driving a motorcycle on her own. “He is my road leader.”

At every stop, including Robert Is Here, the fruit and vegetable farm stand in Florida City, Cafe 27 in Weston, and Peterson’s Harley-Davidson in Miami Gardens, the contestants picked up a card, eventually collecting a complete poker hand.

The bikers were also able to interact with the archbishop and others while competing for the $500 Harley-Davidson gift card.

But Wenski’s favorite stop was at the Schoenstatt Center in Homestead, where riders were able to stop at the chapel, say a private prayer and enjoy refreshments.

“It’s always good to ride with good people,” said Bob Borges of Hollywood, who rode with his daughter. “The problem with a lot of other rides is that they all go from bar to bar to bar, and I don’t drink when I ride.”

The Chrome Knights Motorcycle Association and other groups helped the archdiocese organize the poker run and guided the inexperienced drivers. Volunteers from the organization also helped guide the riders and stop traffic at intersections.

For Quiroz, who had never experienced riding in a group, the privilege of riding with the archbishop was indescribable.

“My heart is pounding so hard,” said Quiroz, who took out her motorcycle from her garage for the fist time in more than a year. “My motorcycle is the tiniest among these huge machines, and if you see me I look like a butterfly among eagles. But to know that I’m the only girl makes me feel like an eagle, I am proud.”

The Poker Run, according to the Rev. Luis Rivero, was also a way to show others that following Christ can be fun.

“It’s a way for us to learn to use the tools of today, speak the language of the younger generations and bridge the gap between the ancient and the new,” said Rivero, who has been riding his three-wheeled Spyder for the past three years. “The archbishop makes fun of me and says that because I have three wheels I’m still in training.”

The proceeds of the run will go to programs that help people in the community recover from various types of addiction, and Wenski is hoping to establish the poker run as annual event to support St. Luke’s.

“Many people know I’ve been riding a motorcycle for some years now, so hopefully they’ll support it even if they don’t ride a motorcycle,” Wenski said. “I pray before, during and after I ride my bike.”

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Adele Talks Skyfall Oscar, Wants EGOT

Now an Oscar and Grammy winner, singer Adele comes one step closer tonight towards joining the exclusive EGOT club.

Moments after her Best Original Song win for Skyfall at the 85th Annual Academy Awards, the 24-year old Brit entertained the possibility she might someday nab a Tony and an Emmy statuette and join the 11 performers who've earned the incredible distinction.

Pics: Oscars Sexiest Stars

"Maybe I'll do like an HBO special like Beyonce did," mused Adele. As for the Tony, she wasn't so sure.

"It's not my kind of thing, a musical, no offense," laughed Adele, adding that she might be open to it "someday."

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Exploiting addiction

Andrea Peyser

He’s ringmaster in the Circus of the Damned.

Dr. Drew Pinsky is the nation’s leading huckster for celebrity addicts — the go-to guy for almost-famous faces lost to liquor, sex, ecstasy and crack.

Since 2008, Dr. Drew has glammed up and tarted up B- and Z-list celebs on his hit VH1 show, “Celebrity Rehab” — renamed “Rehab” last fall so as not to exclude folks who’ve yet to make it big by falling on their faces. He’s turned addiction from an affliction to a wise career move.

From Tiger Woods’ Bimbo in Chief Rachel Uchitel — self-diagnosed as addicted to inappropriate men — to plastic-surgery enthusiast Janice Dickinson, no life is too trivial or sad to exploit.

ABC via Getty Images

Dr. Drew and Mindy McCready

Thanks to the good doc, feeling powerless in the face of drugs or, who knows, compulsive, naked tweeting, are not weaknesses. He’s done more to make addiction look hip and trendy since stoned rocker Jimi Hendrix choked to death on his own vomit in 1970 at age 27.

Eight days ago, Dr. Drew lost it. With the passing of country singer and “Rehab” alum Mindy McCready (pictured with him), who died of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, folks suspicious of the Rehab Industrial Complex are taking a dim look at Dr. Drew.

It’s about time.

“I think ‘Dr’ Drew Pinsky should change his name to Kevorkian. Same results,” singer Richard Marx tweeted the day McCready died Feb. 17, referring to the late Dr. Jack Kevorkian, who helped terminally ill patients off themselves.

Marx backed off the next morning. Sort of. “I went too far with the Kevorkian crack.” Then he continued to lay blame at Dr. Drew’s feet. “It is, however, my opinion that what Dr. D does is exploitation and his TV track record is not good.”

“Dr. Drew has lost another one,’’ was the reaction to McCready’s death from Eugene Kovar, grandfather of dead “Rehab” player Joey Kovar.

Five of Dr. Drew’s “Rehab” stars have, to date, succumbed to their demons, including actor Jeff Conaway and Rodney King. Three have died from the 2009 season alone — rocker Mike Starr of Alice in Chains was lost to a drug overdose in 2011, “Real World” star Kovar died in August from opiate intoxication, and McCready. Dr. Drew diagnosed her on the show as suffering from “love addiction.”

This is serious?

Dr. Drew is no killer. But he has reason to fail. He sits at the epicenter of the multibillion-dollar addiction industry, whose existence depends on the relapses of people he’s trying to cure.

“Whenever a celeb overdoses or has an addiction problem, buy Drew Pinsky stock. It’s good for his brand,” said Michael Levine, a Hollywood publicist and author who says he likes and respects the doctor.

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